First of all ...
Don't roll your eyes / judge / pretend like you haven't played on Tinder yourself.
Everyone's doing it.
Second of all ...
It lasted a week.
A week of swiping, and chatting, and swiping, and judging.
And then I realised -
I DON'T NEED TINDER TO ATTRACT WEIRDOS INTO MY LIFE.
I got it covered!!
But as if the tales of Tinder aren't entertaining enough on their own,
I decided to bring some expertise to today's blog post;
So I have enlisted the help of none-other than my gal
B R I T N E Y S P E A R S
This post is not Tinder specific by any means..
It could apply to any online dating site (although I have no experience with those);
Or it might simply apply to a guys social media accounts or general day-to-day behaviour..
Let's start with :
T H E L A M E S E L F I E S
Shirtless gym selfies...
What these photos tell me :
This guy will never love anyone else as much as he loves himself.
U S I N G P R O P S
Whether it's a puppy, an infant, a snake, or a tiger they have managed to coax into the photo;
My reaction is the same -
Is that really necessary?!
[Bonus points to the guy with the teacup pig though.. Did you know you can't get those in Australia?!]
T H E S O F T O P E N I N G L I N E
I literally have nothing to say to this.
P O S I N G A S A
" H U N T E R / G A T H E R E R "
Because how will I know that a guy is a manly man, able to provide for me, if he doesn't show evidence of that one time he caught a fish.
And then took off his shirt so he could take a photo with it.
T H E O N E L I N E R S
I'l leave this to your imagination, because this is not the place to repeat vulgar messages..
Obviously in an environment where I have the attention span of a 3-year old in a toy store, a guy needs to catch my attention.
Some guys are flirty, some are bold, and some are outright disgusting.
Very rarely did I pause and laugh at a creepy one-liner.
Except the guy who claimed to be "Harder than Chinese Maths"...
[I swiped left]
B E I N G T H E D U F F
There's a new term for this specific person in a friendship group.
The D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend
And 99.9% of the time, the Tinder profile belongs to the ugly guy in the group photo.
This is not me being mean; this is science.
[It did make me wonder about the etiquette of swiping right to ask about the guy on the left in the second photo though...]
S H O W I N G I A M N O T R E Q U I R E D
This is kind of hard to explain..
Obviously I don't want to meet some guy who sits at home alone with his 5 cats every weekend..
But if all photos include group shots of a guy with several hot female friends, I can't help but wonder why he isn't dating one of them.
Or assuming that he did at some point...
Or wants to...
Extra special mention to the guys who include a wedding pic as their photo;
in which it is evident that they were the groom.
You know what - Who am I to judge a person for being married before?!
But seriously? Using it as the profile pic?!
... Is this person still married? Does their wife know about their Secret Swiping?!
Need I say anything about the guy who chose to post a duck-face selfie...
with his mother vacuuming in the background?!
F A I L I N G A T E N G L I S H
I am very particular about spelling and grammar.
But even if I wasn't.. A grown man should know the difference between his
Your and You're; and
There; They're; Their.
These are the basics.
If nothing else - My week on Tinder provided some fantastic office gossip;
And made for great Show n Tell with my friends.
[Hot Tip : This isn't Snapchat - The screenshot is totally permitted]
And now we can all thank Britney for reminding us to keep our standards high.
The girl was once married for less time than I took to realise this app is not for me, and I would rather meet someone the old fashioned way -
Drunk and at the pub.